Love Blindness Has A Cure: Heartbreak- Final Draft: 2/17/12

You don’t see things the way I do. You don’t see how something petty could manage to kill the “us” that I tried so hard to maintain. I strived to keep you content and happy so you would stay as long as possible; I avoided any and all conflicts, then when they occurred I just folded underneath of you, caving under the pressure in order just to hold onto you: the one ray of happiness I’d been given in the eternal shadow of my life.

Perhaps the way my friend saw you behave with that other woman was just a mistake, maybe she was just a good friend of yours. Maybe you caressed her arm gently, and laughed lovingly together as would an old friend comforting another who had always been extremely close. She’s a woman though, those actions just seem too friendly. They seem too, I don’t know how else to say this, but too flirtatious: too borderline; Even so, I’d wanted to believe that you were faithful to me.

Loving you forced me to try and remember to see there may have been a different side to the story, but then again loving you made me fear the worst as well. I guess my mind was just wandering to the worst case scenario and now I’m trying to talk myself out of it because I know that I love you. It’s too hard not to love someone I had always believed was there for me, who had always had my back no matter what ‘d done. I love so much about who you are; I love your laugh, and how you can bring me back to that state of pure happiness from even the deepest and darkest state of depression; I love you and your deep set, mysteriously captivating eyes, that charming smirk you pass off as a smile that snagged me in your net like a unassuming fish; I love you and your strong arms that manage to wrap me in the most gentle and compassionate embrace, and that cause me to believe all is well but then ponder the “what ifs.” I love you... But now I have my doubts.

What if “us” was just a lie? What if she’s an illicit lover come to swipe you out from right underneath of my nose? What if she was just one of many women who you had seen during the course of “us”? What if I’m the other woman and she’s actually your one true love, meaning you were never truly mine to begin with? What if she’s a past love returning in hopes of reigniting the flame, robbing you from the cradle of my arms? What if you lead multiple lives and I am just one of the many foolish women who you have taken to?

I never dreamed that one day I would deem you unworthy of the love I had to give, but there are so many other things I’ve found to dislike and to disapprove of. Why must I always be the one to submit during a quarrel? Why do you always need to be right? Why did I change to suit your needs as our love blossomed? How did you manage to manipulate me like this? What had blocked me from noticing it before?

I never believed one day I’d be the one to break the chain that I thought linked us to one another forever. I never thought I’d be the one who would become desperate for a way out, for a way to look like less of a fool. I never thought I’d be the one who needed an escape. I hoped that you could forgive me, more so that I could forgive myself, when I was forced to break the bond we shared; When my hand was forced to destroy the “us” I had once believed would last an eternity over something ridiculous that I knew you’d done. Of course you wouldn’t see the error in your ways for you are almighty and everyone must bow beneath you for you are the all powerful king who wields the golden scepter and bathes himself in his own crowning glory upon the throne.

Once I had brought up the issue, there was no turning back; it was either throw myself out there and doubt your faith and loyalty to me or remain in the stasis of the idea you wouldn’t betray me as I thought you had. Well I did bring it up, and it was too hard for you to handle; I was more than just your blind and mute partner, I was a living, breathing human being who had opened her eyes and recognized she had a voice… This was so important to me because now I had heard my voice; I had realized my voice and its power, and oh how I used it against you. I used its power, potency, and clarity to speak out against you when I felt alone and unhappy. Not to mention that I had gained a sight that hadn’t been there before, I could see the whole picture; I could see myself as a strong individual in your absence. I could leave you and still stand tall... I could be the me who I had long forgotten existed.

What Couldn't Be Contained- Final Draft 2/6/12

Controlled by a world of fragility

Careful not to break the chains

I know that it’ll be too dangerous to free what’s been contained

It’ll be too hard to control

A world that I had purposely left untouched

I lost the key without a care

I hadn’t wished to return

Only to find the hurt I had buried there

I wanted nothing more to do with that dark place

The memories and bridges I had burned were burned deep into my eyes

When I turned my cheek to it, it came back to haunt me;

It raps at my mind’s front door, and then in it comes, forcing its way:

It pulls up on the windows; it breaks them and oozes in.

It bangs on the doors and then knocks them down,

It fills up the room

It rises all around me so I begin to drown.

It causes me to address the situation that’s at hand;

Rising out of the ashes of the extinguished,

is a beating heart glowing a brilliant red.

Long ago I struck the match that lit the fire, then fled.

I burned the whole place to the ground;

I doused it all in kerosene and lit a single matchstick.

I turned my back and ran as fast as I could

But still I felt the heat of the flame

I wanted to avoid any reason to return

I didn’t want to go back to what I had thought I escaped.

I wanted to forget, and make others forget

All that remained buried beneath the ash

What I thought would remain forever

I locked the place away inside myself

I took each precautionary measure

The blackened ash was scarcely seen and was never touched

Until now when whispers and wind exposed what I’ve left

It brings to memory all that I’d sworn to forget

Never did I want to unearth what remained beneath the soot

The memory of the jump that concluding in the heart shattering land

Fear of rejection, fear of connection, fear of the end occurred again and again

So only my damaged outer shell left me feeling the smallest bit of security

My heart felt like an unsolvable puzzle

It only began to solve itself after years of self preservation

Hardening my armor and holding steadfast to the only thing I trusted

The shoulder that absorbed every tear that cascaded down like leaves on a willow

It softened each blow that I felt

… He brought the puzzle’s completion with his love

He made me strong once again but he didn’t know about the abandoned ash;

He’d not been informed of my past…

Now the soot is settling in a new home, a new home within me

This new heart has emerged

It glows brilliant, blazing, shining and slick

It’s a heart like that of a wicked phoenix

Rising from the blackened ash of my past

This new heart has opened mine

Its glowing red rays are tangible an now they’ve grazed me

They’re sharp as blades

And what I could not foresee:

The whispering winds have blown the soot straight into my heart.

The damage I’ve sustained at the mercy of this new heart’s rays

Sting like the worst paper cut

And ache like the most brutal heartbreak

This radiant crimson heart dominates over mine

It disables my vessels and stops the flow

Draining the life out of me

I wish I could wake up from this nightmare:

my worst fear come to life.

But I know it’s reality, not a dream

It’s complete despair.

My past has come back to kill me with its merciless reincarnation

My heartbeat slowly withers away

Replaced by this infectious heart, mine fades

Its glowing rays of razor blades

Tear me up inside