Hidden

I once asked myself why:
Why am I afraid of another’s touch
Why can’t I drop the facade I always maintain?
Why do I depend on it like a crutch?

I laid in bed one night and dreamt:
I’m in a garden, underneath a full autumn moon
There’s an elaborate masquerade ball
The air is thick with tension like humidity in June

The women wear evening gowns
They’re 18th century, Victorian Style
The men and women dance about the garden
They’re movement are so natural, like boats floating along the Nile

Each mask is unique and gaudy
They sparkle hauntingly in the moonlight
They hide the wearer but brag to the viewer
They sneer in the shadows of the night

They dance a waltz to eerily cheery music
Its daunting notes are muddied in the air as they drift
And the music becomes more and more like a vicious symphony
The tone picks up and then everything sounds desperate

Everyone’s clothes become ratty and ragged
They transform as they dance and then the music stops
Then the people come to a standstill
Simultaneously, all their masks drop

My garish mask and gown remain
I stand alone within the crowd
Their gazes shift from one another to me
Then they all stare me down

The dream ended suddenly as they began to close in
When I woke, I panted and tried to make myself steady
I gathered my breath and tried to be calm
Coming to grips that the dream was just a dream
Then I realized it mirrored my reality
I thought that maybe it was just fear of rejection
Revealing what’s underneath the mask and the layers of fabric
Only to find, there is nobody with acceptation

I’ll never be what you see
That woman is not a woman at all
She isn’t me, for I am hidden
Hidden beneath a battered armor

I wear an armor but I am not a knight, no, not in the slightest
I’ve not been deemed worthy by my king
I’m just a lonely self employed mercenary, I defend only myself
I push all on the outside away from the treasure within

I keep to my own
They say that I’m crazy, they say that I’m insane
I shut out all the sunlight brought to my door
I keep to my routine

I’ll never leave myself defenseless
I defend against any an all possible weapons
I myself am discluded though
For I alone am allowed to tear myself down

By taking on the beliefs of others of the past
I know that I am letting down everyone
I’m letting down all who see and believe the strong armor
And all who see a woman that not one eye could shun

But inside is a woman who cowers as a child does
Who cowers because she is just a prepubescent girl
She is the child who heard every taunt
And now she lives in a constant turmoil

Lonely and hurt
The girl has retreated and remains hidden beneath the exterior
She fears the day that the sunlight will break through
Showing that she is extremely inferior

The sunlight might burn her
Her fear is immense, she draws further back each day
She shrinks herself down to a speck
Me removing my mask means, her, I have betrayed

She hides between two worlds
One of defense, the other, fear
She can’t find a way back out
She has lost herself in there

She is me and I am her
But we are not one
We’re separated by the space between the worlds
But we were both scarred by the internalization

She’s trusted in the mask
I’ve worn it for all these years because of what it does
It protects us from the outside world
I’ve worn it since I learned what judgment was

We are marred by our past
We live in fear of our present
I’m forever protecting what’s behind the mask
And I swallow the pill of each day down like a psychological depressant